Wow, I've been gone a while. I am now through nearly all of my bureaucratic hurdles: certified, licensed MASSAGE THERAPIST! woo! woo!

but I'm still working on the DRIVERS LICENSE, the process is most infuriating.

but, I HAVE A JOB!

(so I better get that license SOON)

"We all have wings, but they have not been of any avail to us and if we could tear them off, we would do so. "

"You can hold yourself back from the sufferings of the world, that is something you are free to do and it accords with your nature, but perhaps this very holding back is the one suffering you could avoid. "

"A first sign of the beginning of understanding is the wish to die. "

"A stair not worn hollow by footsteps is, regarded from its own point of view, only a boring something made of wood."


"My peers, lately, have found companionship through means of intoxication - it makes them sociable. I, however, cannot force myself to use drugs to cheat on my loneliness - it is all that I have - and when the drugs and alcohol dissipate, will be all that my peers have as well."

Franz Kafka

So yesterday was nice until my realizations came into play, the ones about how my time should be spent, precious or not. trolley tracks, in the dark, a rocky hill and my near-sighted night-blindness lead me to fall (on my ungraceful exit) and skin my left elbow. Gin and differences.

I spent all last summer around drunken "parties" and letting the same summer happen a second time would be so foolish of me. it's only April, and last night was hardly a horrible drunken party, but I feel so cold toward the people I attach such memories to. I bet they attach them to me too, that's how it works. you can't be a hero in your home town, some people get out, but the rest just do what they've learned how to do year after year to dull the pain.

I cannot allow that.
---
Sent
tarrying on
trolley ties
Mumbling in the face
of a skinning
perception
threatens to
feign
fear and
stumble

The darkness of
the blaring sun
catches my
wandering
eyes
as they go astray

[mouth shut]
under duress
by

a
strange
stern
sense

I can never posses

----

so, I am back from what will probably have been the adventure of my year, unless I surprise myself. Bumming around a college campus and helping produce a show was a very interesting experience that calls for mixed adjectives, but overall I'd say it was great.

I deleted my old blog. I probably should have saved some of the poetry or something, but what good would that do me? I should be writing new things, no matter how harsh I judge myself-- not relying on a few lines from the past.

being away may have helped clear my head, but that is to be seen. I believe I more precisely understand one, if not a few, crucial elements of my thinking.