at least 3 she-s, wonder out loud "why won't she talk to me?"

my best reason is, that I am skeptical towards respecting someone more than they respect me. why entertain such a power struggle where one's not wanted? that is not friendship it is work, it is servitude.

I am through with taking a knee before the undeserving, to humor my humility. it's humiliating, really.

I won't stand for it.

I have to start writing for myself again.

odin knows I've got no one else to be writing for.

I want to explode with words but the pen feels so slow. my fingers creak. I need to move.

my enthusiasm is so quickly exhausted, and I can't stop this feeling-- that I'm pretending and being fickle. humbly bowing to my own stupidity.

it's fucking 4am and I can't muster any dreams.

I've had a terrible streak of disrupted sleep till last night and my nap this afternoon. no more silly, sleepy imagination, not a speck of doubt left in me. I couldn't be better.

I am getting headaches again though. I found the symptom, I need the cure.

but I'm not that desperate.

Codie is gone. I was away for a while, but now I'm home, trying not to hear how quiet it is without him here. my mind keeps tricking me into listening for the subtle sounds of floorboards or cracking joints. I could swear I heard his collar last night.

besides that, I found my wallet last night and I'm not letting drama stick to me. still job hunting. hopefully minimum wage dealies will be lookin for help when all the kids go back to school.

i had quite enough of today, till I got another job call.

it's funny how the wind blows.

and it blows that I can't find my wallet

turns out my heart is ruled by reason, and the need to have reasonable people handle it.

I've grown cold quickly, for me-- but there's not much more to smoulder on.

a month, at most
of wasted time
lavishing in the silt
fine and full of minerals
runny slip
glistening in the sun

anguishing
over every speck of filth
and
over every utterance
in the oppressive august air.

may I make it May again?

fucking fragments.

my soda sizzles beside me
as I rest
bereft of
that large
clamorous
doubt--

the one
that filled my
ears with fear
and my eyes
with tears.

---

what might I do
were
I
sure
of you?

---

I had a thought.. more than two words for once. where the fuck did it go?
I know what's wrong, but it's not something wrong at all. it's a shame my doubt and tendency toward gullibility make me so afraid that I don't have a clue.

that doesn't have to be a bad thing, it's just how it seems with new things.

indian food, dripping skies, the exchange of gifts, veggie pizza.

I've had such a wonderful month so far, some relics are falling by the way-side, and some good friends are going through hard times but I'm having a splendid time.

need a second job though, if I'm gonna get the fuck outta here.

I am smiling in defiance of the insincerity I've been dealt, romance-wise.

not too big of a smile, lest I gloat, but a smile nonetheless.

I'm hopeful-- I'm never hopeful!

Wow, I've been gone a while. I am now through nearly all of my bureaucratic hurdles: certified, licensed MASSAGE THERAPIST! woo! woo!

but I'm still working on the DRIVERS LICENSE, the process is most infuriating.

but, I HAVE A JOB!

(so I better get that license SOON)

"We all have wings, but they have not been of any avail to us and if we could tear them off, we would do so. "

"You can hold yourself back from the sufferings of the world, that is something you are free to do and it accords with your nature, but perhaps this very holding back is the one suffering you could avoid. "

"A first sign of the beginning of understanding is the wish to die. "

"A stair not worn hollow by footsteps is, regarded from its own point of view, only a boring something made of wood."


"My peers, lately, have found companionship through means of intoxication - it makes them sociable. I, however, cannot force myself to use drugs to cheat on my loneliness - it is all that I have - and when the drugs and alcohol dissipate, will be all that my peers have as well."

Franz Kafka

So yesterday was nice until my realizations came into play, the ones about how my time should be spent, precious or not. trolley tracks, in the dark, a rocky hill and my near-sighted night-blindness lead me to fall (on my ungraceful exit) and skin my left elbow. Gin and differences.

I spent all last summer around drunken "parties" and letting the same summer happen a second time would be so foolish of me. it's only April, and last night was hardly a horrible drunken party, but I feel so cold toward the people I attach such memories to. I bet they attach them to me too, that's how it works. you can't be a hero in your home town, some people get out, but the rest just do what they've learned how to do year after year to dull the pain.

I cannot allow that.
---
Sent
tarrying on
trolley ties
Mumbling in the face
of a skinning
perception
threatens to
feign
fear and
stumble

The darkness of
the blaring sun
catches my
wandering
eyes
as they go astray

[mouth shut]
under duress
by

a
strange
stern
sense

I can never posses

----

so, I am back from what will probably have been the adventure of my year, unless I surprise myself. Bumming around a college campus and helping produce a show was a very interesting experience that calls for mixed adjectives, but overall I'd say it was great.

I deleted my old blog. I probably should have saved some of the poetry or something, but what good would that do me? I should be writing new things, no matter how harsh I judge myself-- not relying on a few lines from the past.

being away may have helped clear my head, but that is to be seen. I believe I more precisely understand one, if not a few, crucial elements of my thinking.